woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
