you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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