Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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