my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
