Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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