dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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