I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
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There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
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Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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