I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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