im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm always down for nudity.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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