I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
