Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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