Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
