I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
