She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
