She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
