he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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