I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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