When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
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Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Congratulations! We have a period
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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