So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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