that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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