I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
