She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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