think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
