He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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