Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
