I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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