Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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