can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
