i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
