you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
