How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
