i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
