My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
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It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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