Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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