You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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