two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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