The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
