Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
