yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
