I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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