Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
