Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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