Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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