I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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