how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I think i got beer on your cat.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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