You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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