Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
