im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
