thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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