my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
