Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
