why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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