I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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