I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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