Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
