so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
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We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
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how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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